So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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