You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
