i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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