ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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