I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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