no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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