I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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