Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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