I'm gonna have a badass scar
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
