He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
