saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
