i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
