Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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