If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
