Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
