is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
