Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
