he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
