he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
