She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
