god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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