There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
