Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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