does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
