woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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