Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
