I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
