she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
