Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
