Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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