She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
