Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
