I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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