insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize