I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it hurts more in the daytime
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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