I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
