whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
