Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
