I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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