life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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