So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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