Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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