You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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