she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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