You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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