Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
