OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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