Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
