awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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