just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
