The police scanner is talking about you again....
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
