i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
