Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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