Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize