I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
