Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
