U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
