Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
