I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
